With Darkness, There Will Always Come Light

Today was a tough day. My family and I lay my Gramma to rest, and held a celebration of life at the family farm, where her and my Grampa lived. The burial was beautiful. Even with the scorching heat, we all joined to listen to some prayers, say our last words and lay her to rest with Grampa. I hadn't really processed her death because her passing happened the day after Lily's diagnosis... We had just been released from the hospital when I got word, and I was so exhausted I didn't even register what I was being told. Whenever I would tell anyone I had no emotion; just stating a matter of fact. I didn't even shed a tear until a little over a week later when I was looking through pictures of her. Even then, I started to cry and Lily came running to me needing something and it was put to the back of my mind again. So seeing her urn being lowered into the ground today hit me hard. I couldn't believe what I was watching, how did I get here without even processing her death, I wish I had dealt with this even a little more than I had.

I am normally the one that people can count on to be strong during these types of things. When my great-gramma passed away over four years ago it sent me into a spiral. She was my absolute world, my best friend, so her death was one that took me off my feet. She spent eight days in the hospital and I think I spent like six of them with her. Even though I was shattered, I wrote a speech and spoke at her funeral. When we had to put our family dog of 15-16 years down, I stayed with him and my Dad during it. Petting him and being there for my Dad too. I hated being there for it, I wasn't there for myself, I was there for Tucker because I loved him and wanted him to feel loved until his last breath and there for my Dad so he didn't have to carry that alone. When my best friend called me saying she had to put her dog down I went and stayed with them for it, again not for myself but for her. I will always be there when my people (and fur friends) need me. But today I didn't have the strength I normally do. I am drained.

As everyone was putting roses my Dad looked at me and asked if I wanted to put a rose. Of course I did, but I was in too much pain. Everything hit me at once at the grave site. I felt numb and overcome with all of the emotions, letting the odd tear fall down my face. I shook my head at him, knowing I was unable to move my body at that time. In that moment I wished I had someone there to help me move my body to put a rose with her. But I somehow always end up being the one to drop everything and run to everyone else, but I am the one facing my battles alone. My family is always my number one supporters, there for me with everything, so I am not trying to discredit them in anyway, but they were all there hurting the same as I was. Where was my outside support when I needed it, to help me when I was frozen with pain. I regret not putting a rose on her site, but I know that I did the best I could today, and she would never be upset with me over it. She always worried about me taking on too much, so at least I can leave today knowing that she would not be upset.

Gramma was a one of a kind woman, and I know that is probably a common thing to say after someone dies, but she truly was. She was one of the funniest women I knew, but able to be serious when she needed to. She was so strong and fierce. She battled breast cancer and won, she worked on the farm her whole life, and she raised three children that she did not birth as her own. She was the most welcoming soul, and wasn't afraid to tell you she didn't want any guests at the same time. She was never afraid to be herself.

I remember growing up, her and Grampa were so funny together. They would pick at each other and there was always yelling in the house, but she loved him so much. She might have yelled about how he was lazy and can get his own food, but she would serve him every time, and he would sit there giggling while she yelled at him. When he passed away she took it hard. She believed that he stayed at the farm with her and kept her company all this time. I believe it too.

I think today was the perfect way to say goodbye to Gramma. All gathered at her home, with family and friends enjoying the farm the way she loved to do. We ate and drank, the kids played and then we all went our separate ways. There was something about the sunset that brought happy tears to my eyes tonight. It has been a while since I have cried of happiness and counted my blessings, but that is something that even the darkest of days can bring out in me. Gramma gave us the most beautiful sunset tonight, and I got to spend it with the people I love the most, and I thank God that we are all happy and healthy. Lily's disease is being managed and she was able to swim in the pool with her cousins tonight care free. She enjoyed running around with them today and getting loved up by the family. So as she was sleeping on the car ride home, I looked at the sunset again and let myself feel. Feel the sadness of Gramma not being here with us anymore, feel the gratitude for me and Lily still being here, and feel the happiness that summer normally brings me. I missed feeling.

So cheers to you Gramma, I miss you and love you so much. I hope that you and Grampa are together wherever you are, and keep sending those beautiful sunsets so I can think about you and smile.

xoxo Morgan

P.S. I realize that this post has been a little scattered, it perfectly reflects my mind set after today. I am feeling a lot of different things and exhausted, have some mercy on this tired Mom.