Been A Minute - Life Update

Life has been so busy in the best way possible. I have been wanting to write so badly but been busy enjoying life for the first time in so long. I am a very emotional person, this is no secret, but it has been a long time since I was consistently crying with happiness and not sadness or frustration. It feels like I am almost over this huge mountain that I never thought I would be able to overcome. Lily will be two in January, and I can say that I haven’t had this long of a happy period for too long. Nothing has been simple and straightforward, and it has been a battle for happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my issues and hard things to deal with, but the good is finally outweighing the bad. Halle-fucking-lujah.

Lily’s Health

Lily’s Dad and I have been working together to stay on top of her illness, always trying to adjust things and make sure we are doing the best we can to keep her levels in a good place or get them in a better place. Just last week we had to make an adjustment to her basaglar dose because we were having lows while she was sleeping, and a little too consistently for comfort. I lay awake for hours after every nighttime low. Wondering where I went wrong, how I can do better, and thanking the angels watching over her for it not being more serious. I had one night that hit me particularly hard, and I’m not sure why, but it made me extremely emotional to think that had she not been wearing her CGM she could be dead by now. A thought that even writing it out makes my chest tighten and my eyes flicker with panic. I feel ill thinking that anything bad could happen to her, and I wish that this wasn’t something that she will need to worry about.

To think that at one point getting diagnosed with Diabetes was a death sentence is so mind boggling to me. My baby, Lily, received what used to be a death sentence. I’m aware a lot of things used to be this way, I am not as naïve as I sound, but it still is so hard for me to grasp. The number of times we have been doing regular things, grocery shopping, sleeping, playing, and her alarm has gone off for her levels dangerously dropping. Would I have been able to catch it without the technology? Would the only sign of it be her losing consciousness? How many times could I have given her medication before I took too long or was sleeping and found her in a coma? I think finding her in a coma would be the end of me… I don’t know if I could live knowing that happened in my care. I brought her into this world, and it is my job to raise her and keep her safe until she is old enough to go into the world on her own one day. I am terrified of failing because of this illness.

Thankfully, Lily’s Dad and I are able to communicate about her illness and try to problem solve together. Neither of us need to deal with this on our own and can lean on each other for support. We agreed that her basaglar needed to be weakened to reduce the nighttime lows. She should not be going low in the night once the food has been digested and the fast-acting insulin is no longer in her system. It was clear to both of us that this is an issue that we can solve (for the most part, bodies are unpredictable, and this illness is not one that we can solve all problems to).

When we weakened the basaglar dose, I knew that this would affect her levels throughout the day. We had just gotten to a decent norm with her daytime dose ratios, and I felt like we were doing pretty well. By reducing the basaglar, this would reduce the amount of insulin in her system during the day as well, thus requiring us to increase the amount we are giving her of fast-acting to make up for the loss. It wasn’t immediate that we noticed her levels were getting higher during the day, and we needed to give it at least a few days, if not a week, to ensure that her body had adjusted to the dose change, and we could properly see the effects before adjusting her daily ratios.

I haven’t had a nighttime low with her since lowering her dosage at night, and I sleep so much better knowing that the chances are smaller, not obsolete, but smaller. Now we can focus on getting her within range during the day. It feels never ending, but so rewarding when we do something that helps her. All we want is for her to be happy and healthy and there are so many people in her life that would do anything to accomplish that.

Lily

Lily will be two in January… TWO! How is this happening? My baby, that I grew in my body and birthed and breastfed. I spent months sitting up at night with her, not including the months she kept me awake from the womb. I remember the first time I cut her nails, the first bath at home, the first time we cried together from exhaustion and frustration, the first time leaving her after birth, the first time she rolled, the first time she sat on her own, the first time she put her soother in herself, the first time she ate food, so many firsts. I know that we will continue to have firsts together, but it feels like we are leaving the firsts behind and soon she will be grown and doing firsts without me.

She is so wildly loving. I always said that I have too much love in my body, and I know that she got that from me. Her need to always touch my body is the most comforting (and sometimes overstimulating) thing I have ever experienced. I can see when she notices me in a room and comes running to be held or sit on me. When she rests her head on my body, I can feel every muscle in mine relax. We are both right where we are meant to be at that moment. My favourite thing is to hear her say “mommy” in her sweet little voice. So filled with love and excitement when she calls. My heart quite literally melted one morning when I walked into her room to get her from her bed, and she stood in excitement and yelled out for me. I felt my eyes start to fill, and I don’t think I could have run to her any faster to scoop her up.

At our new home, we have so much yard to explore every day. I have never met a child that loves to be outside as much as she does, and I am so happy to finally be able to do that with her. Living in town we struggled to spend as much time as she would have liked outside. We didn’t have a proper yard (our tiny yard was used as a pee pad for the dog more than anything), and I hated having her play on the sidewalk or road. It wasn’t the life that I wanted for her. And I am finally on the way to creating the life I always imagined for her. I gave her the most beautiful little girl’s room, the perfect playroom, the perfect yard, living beside children her age, I couldn’t be happier for her. I have worked so hard for this, and I am so excited for her to be able to enjoy it. She deserves this and so much more.

Home

As mentioned above, WE MOVED! I finally feel at home. It has been too long since I have felt completely comfortable. I loved my first home from a few years ago, and was sad to leave, but I didn’t realize that I haven’t felt at home since then. I have moved three times since that home, with this move making it four. I don’t want to leave this home until I am ready to go to my forever home. It is the perfect size for us, all on one floor and close to each other. The house is perfect, and the property is perfect. Lily is happy, Arlo is happy, and finally I am happy too. What a bizarre feeling to know that my little family is happy, all at the same time.

Love

I have the best Dad you could ever imagine. He has been there for me, always my first call in every situation, the first one to show up and the last one to leave. Honestly, my knight in shining armor my whole life. He has been what I have been using to create the standard of father I want for my children. I will accept nothing less than someone who makes their child feel loved and adored and supported and the center of their universe at all times. I was so lucky to have that, and I won’t accept anything less for my children.

I finally feel like I have met the full package. I have been dating someone for a few months now and he is the most kind and genuine person I have ever met (aside from my Dad of course). I waited to introduce him to Lily, but when I did, I knew instantly he would love her as if she was his own one day. She was so comfortable with him, and he was wrapped around her finger instantly. Within a few visits she was no longer interested in only playing with me, he must be playing with us at all times. If he is busy somewhere else in the house, she needs to go see him and get a hug or high five or even sometimes just let out a shriek and run away. It has been so amazing to watch his patience with her and watch how much they enjoy being around each other. I couldn’t be with someone that Lily didn’t enjoy being around just as much as I did. She held all the cards in this relationship, and I couldn’t have imagined a better outcome.

I am so grateful to have found someone that is kind, patient, trustworthy, gentle and loving. I would not allow anyone that would not show Lily these attributes to be in our lives long term, and I know that I have that now. I am excited to see where this goes and what this means for myself and Lily. It feels like life has been so much easier with him around. It feels like someone is taking some of the load off my shoulders, someone is willing to be a partner for me. It feels good.

All-in-all, I must say I have the most beautiful daughter who I am so lucky to share my life with. We live in the perfect home and are starting to share it with a wonderful man. I am blessed. I am blessed for Lily’s health, for having a roof (that we also love) over our heads, food in our bellies and our love for each other. As long as I have my girl I will be just fine, but finally I feel better than just fine.

xoxo T1D Mommy