The Importance of Watering Your Own Grass

I think it was my sister that told me the saying, "stop worrying about whether the grass is greener elsewhere, water your own grass and yours will be green." This plays in my head more often than I would like to admit. In a world filled with everyone constantly comparing themselves, I catch myself thinking about how much more simple things used to be before social media and the internet. How I wish things were still this simple.

With the recent move I thought that I would have updated the home before even moving in. It is an older home that could use some updating, but as a renter there is only so much I can and would be willing to do. When the deer decided to break my car, it also broke the piggy bank I had for the things I wanted to do before moving in. I was pretty upset at first, but I try not to dwell on things, so I let it go and threw out the paint samples I had used to pick the colours for every room of the house. Like the amazing parents they are, mine bought the paint for Lily's room and her playroom so I could do what I wanted for those two rooms. Once I got in, I quickly realized how comforting I find the little outdated details this house has. It feels like a real home, not a magazine cover or something I want to post to my Instagram to fish in the compliments, it just feels like a home. This is how I remember my home feeling, my friend's homes, my grandparent's homes, all before the internet brought in these wild expectations of your home being picture perfect. Of course, I still spend way too much time in the home goods isles and normally come home with at least one thing every time, but it is stuff that makes me happy, and I have no idea how it's going to look, I just know I want it in my home. What a bizarre concept, doing something just for myself and not to impress others. Not a concept I think many get to live by anymore.

All of this ties into the way I view myself as a mother. I had all these expectations for myself before Lily. I thought that since I wanted to be a mother so badly, I would just be this amazing mother who could handle it all seamlessly. I thought that I would be spending my days chasing after littles, teaching them to be good and kind, baking new treats with them and taking them on adventures. I thought that I would be in my element. But I'm not always a good mom, sometimes I make mistakes and the guilt is so overwhelming. Just tonight I was starting to get tired while Lily was still wanting to play in the bath. Something as simple as ending bath while she is having fun gives me guilt... I'm no professional but I feel like that might be a little excessive. I didn't think that exhaustion would play such a large role in my parenthood journey. But, as I have come to learn, you can plan all you want for parenthood, you will never truly be ready for everything that is going to come your way.

Some mom mistakes are bigger than others, and some are as simple as putting my coffee creamer in her bottle instead of milk in the morning. Some I giggle at, and some I cry about. One of my major mom mistakes that happened recently was sending Lily to her Gramma's without enough insulin for the day. I feel like an awful mother. Honestly, I think wanting to write it and publish it is my way of punishing myself for it. I still feel like I haven't been punished enough for that mistake, because wow that is a bad one. Luckily her dad and I both live close to her Gramma so she was able to go to his house and get more insulin. I try to make myself feel better by saying to myself that at least I didn't forget to put the medicine in for a hypoglycemic emergency, but both hypo and hyperglycemia emergencies should be thought of as just as dangerous and treated equally. Thankfully this time was not an emergency, but that is not a situation that I want to put her in because I was absent minded that day. I need to do better. I am always needing to do better and be better with her. I don't think I will ever sit down at the end of the day and think, "wow I am an amazing mom and there wasn't one thing that I could have done better today." It seems unfair but that is just how my brain works. This is the most important job I will ever have, and what feels like the only reason I breathe.

I know I am hard on myself, and it puts me in bad places sometimes how hard I can be, but now and then I am able to remind myself that parenting isn't supposed to be a one-person job. There is a reason it takes two to make a baby. It is simply too much on one human to be on top of work, being social, cooking, cleaning, bathing, exercising, teaching, shopping and so much more for themself, their baby, and in my case, their 100lb dog. Something needs to take the back burner, I can't juggle it all at once, it's just too many balls. I need to remember that I am doing two people's work when I have her. It's ok that I am exhausted by the end of the day and cut bath 5-10 minutes short. It's ok that I turned on a movie while I cooked dinner. It's ok that the leftovers and dishes are still waiting to be dealt with right now, because I chose to play with my daughter before bedtime. I chose to put Lily upfront. I only get her half the time. The house will have to wait. The groceries will have to wait. She is more important... I don't get that time with her back.

Life is hard, I want to spend mine laughing with my daughter. I don't think I will ever stop beating myself up for the mistakes I make, or the ways I think I could be better, but as I sit here and write, surrounded by the chaos of today, exhausted thinking about how much I still need to get done, I am watering my own grass. I am taking this time for me, to do something I enjoy, to reflect on not only the bad but also the good that I do as a mom. I may not be the best that I wish I could be, but at least I can always say that I am trying my best, and that I prioritize my daughter and our time together over everything else. I will continue to water my own grass and work hard for us to have a good life. I am surrounding myself with people that want to help me grow and have the greenest grass I could imagine. I am not giving my time or energy to anything that is not in my or Lily's best interest. If you bring shade into my yard, you are out. To quote my fellow millennials, "Positive vibes only!!"

xoxo T1D Mommy