Thanksgiving Weekend Without My Turkey

This Thanksgiving was weird. It was Lily's Dad's year for Thanksgiving and I'm sure he would have let me take her to a dinner had I asked, but that isn't the life that I wanted for my baby, so I didn't ask for her and let her stay with him all weekend. I would have never wished a life of being transported all around the world to see separate families on my child. I know first hand how stressful having divorced parents can make holidays. I wanted her to have a calm and turkey filled weekend, but that made for an emotional weekend for her Mom.

I honestly thought that maybe I would enjoy being able to relax and eat a meal slowly with her not being at the dinners. I thought that I would be ok with my decision on what I thought was best for her. Then I got to the first dinner... seeing the young children playing and screaming with joy as another chases them made my chest sink in, I feel it now writing this remembering the feeling. I instantly regretted my decision. I wanted her there immediately. I am thankful that she was not close or I probably would have asked her Dad if I could go get her. The first person to ask me where she was made me want to cry, but I shrugged it off to try and change the conversation. I simply responded she is with her Dad, and they kindly accepted that answer.

I got through the first dinner and only wanted to cry maybe twenty times, not bad honestly. I was able to tell myself that it wasn't that bad, and remind myself that I made this decision because I didn't want to cart her around as it would have been a lot on her. Only one more dinner to go I thought... I can do this.

Today was my Dad's family dinner, with the people that I see the most out of all my family. I thought that maybe this would help to justify my decision, she sees them all the time, and I can let her play with her cousins whenever she wants. Well, I got there and shocker, instantly regretted my decision again. The kids started playing and I wanted so badly for Lily to be a part of it. I don't want her missing out on these things with her family, but how do I do that without doing to her exactly what I always hated growing up. Did I make the right call? Is this just my own selfish feelings that are making me regret my decision?

I won't lie, watching my cousin wrestle with her children while she tried to eat did make me a little grateful I wasn't wrestling with my little cutie right then, but that lasted maybe twenty minutes until I grabbed one of the kids and started playing with them. I imagined it being Lily for a moment, and how I would have been playing with her and making her giggle with her full belly instead of her cousin, but I tried to just enjoy his love and joy and push those feelings to the back. She was in my thoughts all day... When I was holding her cousins before dinner, watching them cause havoc during dinner, playing after, going on the annual family walk down the road, and even cleaning up. I thought about what it would have been like if she was there and if she would be having fun. I even thought about her while I was eating, thinking about how I would have calculated her carbs and if that would have been challenging. I could see her there all day, imagined her walking up to me and wanting to be on my lap. I would have done anything to see her grabbing at me to lift her up.

I don't know how I am going to handle holidays in the future, thankfully I have a while until the next holiday (Christmas doesn't count, that will be shared evenly always!!) to try and figure it out. I have no idea if I am doing more damage than good, all I know is that I am trying so hard to make sure I do the best thing for her. I'm trying... so friggen hard. I hope that it is all worth it and that in the end she knows that I wish she could be at every single holiday with both parents and not miss out on either, but I am working with the cards that we have been dealt and trying to make the most of it. I will be patient with the process, and trust myself in these situations as best I can. I will remind myself of the stress and exhaustion I used to feel for holidays running from gathering to gathering and know that I am sparing her of that.

How does anyone ever really know that they are making the right decision for their kids? I'm not sure I will ever be 100% certain in my choices, just as long as I do what feels right that is all I can do. So on that note, cheers to the ever long struggle that is parenthood. I am only a year and a half in but I cannot wait to do it for the rest of my life. I may struggle from time to time, but I know that I will always put my babe first and love her with every ounce of my body. She is so lucky to have the family that she does (both sides), and she will always know that she is so loved even if she misses the odd gathering here and there. I am truly sorry that I put her in this situation, but I will do my best to make it as easy as I can for her!

xoxo T1D Mommy