Coparenting is not for the weak

Coparenting is challenging enough to begin with, especially for the first while after a separation. I always wanted to have a good relationship with Lily's dad for her sake, and I still do. That doesn't mean that it doesn't come with it's challenges. No matter how hard the both of us try to keep things civil, we will never agree on everything 100%, no one does. Try adding a lifelong illness into the mix :)

Lily's father and I have been separated for almost a year now, and things were just starting to become routine when her illness reared it's ugly head. We had figured out how much communication worked for us, we were able to put the pettiness aside and leave the judgement at the door. Then comes 24 hours locked in the same room... what a way to put your newly solid coparenting relationship to the test.

I am so happy and proud of how we both handled the situation. We were able to be in the same small room for 24 hours, go to what felt like endless meetings with specialists and doctors, we spent so much time in each other's homes and with each other's spouses and all was going smooth. We were even able to be there for each other emotionally during this time, offering support when needed and talking about how we were dealing with it. There was no time or energy left for snark comments and rude remarks, our only focus was on Lily.

We are now in the works of trying to figure out how to communicate more than before, how to see each other more, and how to not lash out at each other when mistakes happen. It is so easy to jump to the conclusion that they made the mistake and get angry for being so 'careless', but the reality is that mistakes are going to happen. Life is so busy at this age, we are in our mid-twenties with careers, spouses, pets, friends; so many things pulling at us from different directions. Sometimes something small will slip our mind while juggling all of our other responsibilities, and that in no way reflects our abilities as a parent or love for our child.

During the first few months after the separation we were quick to fight about these little mistakes (non-diabetes related of course). When her nails weren't cut when I got her back I remember being so mad that he couldn't take the time to cut her nails. When he would get her and she was struggling to pass a bowl movement I would get an angry call demanding answers. It took a long time for us to take a step back and not jump to conclusions. Sometimes life gets busy and not cutting her nails the second they are a little long is not neglect. She is fed and clean and loved, I am so grateful that I know I can count on those things, and if I need to cut her nails when I get her back then that is something I can do. He knows that I always have her out on adventures and babies take tumbles when they are still finding their feet, but I would never put her in an unsafe situation. She is fed and clean and loved here, and he is grateful for that.

It takes time to find your rhythm, I suspect it will take us time to figure out our new rhythm, and I also suspect this won't be our last time hitting some bumps on the road. There are going to be bad times and there are going to be good times, nothing worth it comes easy, and a good coparenting relationship where my daughter is happy is so worth every bit of it to me.

If there are any tips I can give to anyone going through this now, it would be to be kind. All of the pain that you are feeling right now, they are too. They are just as scared and confused and stressed out as you are. Approach conversations with a level head, and don't act like either of you are better at handling this than the other. Your child needs you to be a team right now, more than ever. Discuss what you feel you need from the other, whether it be sending your child to the other with a certain amount of supplies, sending them after they have eaten and received insulin, etc. Just be open and honest.

Times are tough, and we need to have patience and compassion more than ever for each other. So this goes out to all of the parents out there putting in the effort to work together for their children, it may seem so hard right now, but keep your head up, remind yourself who you are doing this for, and hug your babe a little tighter today.

Also HUGE shout out to our spouses, for calming us down constantly and showing us things from a different perspective! It can be easy to jump into defensive mode when dealing with an ex, so the support that we both get from our people is amazing. Cheers to you, Ryan and Keegan for being so loving and understanding to us, you are so appreciated xoxo T1D Mommy