19 Month Sleep Regression

Lily is currently experiencing her 19 month sleep regression, and wow am I ever feeling this one. I have heard that the sleep regressions get more difficult as they get older, because they are no longer a blob and can get up and in your face. This is true - it is much harder. It also doesn't help that I somehow have the most stubborn child on the planet (I say this like it is a surprise, meanwhile both her parents are wildly stubborn). If you want to hear about my bad mom moments, the emotions and thoughts going on in an over-worked tired single mom, and maybe even relate to some of these things keep reading. Otherwise, if your child is younger and you don't want to stress yourself out for what may be to come, or you have already went through it and don't feel like triggering yourself back to this time then now is your time to run.

I remember going through all of Lily's leaps/sleep regressions with her. Spending hours, days, and weeks not sleeping for longer than an hour at a time. I paced the nursery bouncing her for the first two months of her life, and let her sleep on my chest in the rocking chair through every leap. There were nights that I stood in my room and swung her strapped in her car seat just to let her sleep for an hour or so. Some of the things I have done to get her to sleep are not as admirable as others, which is why I don't judge other parents for their tactics. I know the feeling of complete exhaustion. I know the feeling of crying every time you hear your baby wake up after you just spent over an hour getting them to sleep. I have spent my nights awake and my days sleeping with her before, I have been so tired my eyes have turned blue and it feels like my whole body is swollen. But as parents we stay awake for days at a time, doing what we can to help our babies sleep because their needs come before our own the second they are conceived. Our bodies are no longer our own, they become what our baby needs.

This regression has brought me back mentally to a really rough time of my life, when Lily was a newborn. This was one of the best and hardest times for me. I was so in love with my baby, but she had a lactose allergy that we weren't aware of for the first two months of her life. I spent a lot of time up with her at night, pacing her room and singing to her, shushing her, rubbing her back in the crib, anything to get her to sleep. Some nights I got so lonely in the dark with her that I would turn on the TV knowing it may keep her awake longer but needing to hear/see another human to shake the sadness. It got to the point where I started keeping her in my room for a little so that I could stay in bed and turn the TV on for all of our night feeds/wakings. The nights were tough, but I think the days spent pacing her room in the dark were harder on me. I spent so many days crying with her in her room. I couldn't understand how I got here. So many people described the newborn stage as so beautiful and saying all they do is sleep, but my baby never slept. Why did I get the baby that hated sleeping? Who did I piss off to deserve this?

Now that Lily's Dad and I are separated and I don't have a spouse, I find myself alone in her room doing everything I can to get her to sleep and wondering who I keep pissing off. When she was a newborn I could at least go have a breakdown to her Dad, he would come sit in the room with me sometimes and he would take his turns, but now it is just me at my house. There is no one to cry to, there is no one to say "it's ok you are trying your best". No one to say take five to collect yourself and I will take a turn. In some ways I'm really grateful that we have two homes and I get a full break when she goes to his house. If we were in the same home it would be taking turns, not getting full nights of rest. This is my way of trying to look at the glass half full, the only good thing I can focus on is that I will get to sleep in a few days.

On day three of no sleep (because we are also boycotting naps apparently), I decided I needed to let her to try to figure it out on her own. I didn't go through months of teaching her how to self-soothe to be going through all of this again. I left her standing in her crib whining for me knowing that she was fed and safe and clean. Of course this was the time she decides to poop twice in the night (she never poops at night). Thankfully she cried when she needed her diaper changed instead of just whining so I knew something was off and went and checked on her. That night I got maybe two hour blocks of sleep, for a total of 5-6 hours. On our fourth night I decided to try it again, also because I was so tired I was scared of falling asleep holding her (sometimes it is safer to let them cry in their crib than to be comforting them so exhausted you put them in danger). I was so exhausted I slept for 4 hours while she slept standing in her crib.... FOUR HOURS. So much mom guilt. But also, I really needed that chunk of sleep. I went in and changed her bum, laid her down and she fell asleep for another few hours. I remember hearing her whining and looking at the monitor to see her standing again but was so tired I fell asleep while watching the monitor. I woke up around 645am to her whining and brought her in to bed to sleep with me for another two hours. Finally a night of some sleep.... for me, poor kid.

I still feel guilty that she slept standing in her crib, it's not something that I am proud of. But parenting isn't always simple. Sometimes I do what I need to do to ensure that we are safe, and that might not be the most glamorous thing. When she is standing in her crib whining I know that she is fed, she has water, she has a clean bum and she is safe in her crib. She cannot get into anything dangerous and I don't need to worry about her wandering when my exhaustion takes over. I crave the day that I have a spouse and they can share the load of parenting with me (when she is in my care, not in general). I adore my time with her and I wouldn't change a thing, but that doesn't mean it is easy. I think being Lily's mom is the most rewarding and amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I feel so blessed to have her, so don't read this as a negative post, read it as me being open and honest about the hard times, because there will always be hard times. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm not the perfect Mom, but I love my daughter more than life itself.

I get Lily back from her Dad's tonight and I know that I will not be sleeping for the next three days, and I will be pushed to my limits many times, but I am so excited to see her. Even the times I spend crying with her, I find myself getting lost in my love for her. All I need to do to bring myself out of my thoughts is admire the human that I created inside my body. The human that I fed from my body. The human that I still give my mind and body to every day. She is the most beautiful and loving and happy little thing I have ever seen, and I am so lucky to be her Mom. We will go through the ups and downs of life together, the times of cuddling up in bed together to crying together because we are both so tired and don't understand why we aren't sleeping. I know things will only get more challenging as she grows, and I can't wait to take those times on with her, because everything is a season, and just like all the others this season will pass as well.

So cheers to team no sleep. Cheers to giving up my sanity two years ago to experience the overwhelming love of being a mother. Cheers to Lily, just for existing and being Lily. Cheers to already needing a nap before I even get her back. And send me some prayers that she is able to get some sleep tonight, and in turn so does her Mom!!!

Xoxo T1D Mommy