The Double Edged Sword of Motherhood

I was looking back at some of the poems I have written and the posts I have done since becoming a mother and it always brings me back to the emotions I was feeling when writing them. I have loved motherhood so much I can't even try to put it into words, but I have experienced so much pain, mentally and physically on this journey as well. Obviously the physical pain was growing, birthing and feeding a baby, pushing my body in ways I didn't know possible. But the mental and physical pain has been so much harder.

I suffered from extreme post partum anxiety, mixed with moving three times, my relationship falling apart and living in my in-laws basement for a period of time, the first year of Lily's life was the most challenging I have ever had. It got to the point that I had to tell my partner I was having dark thoughts, but I also knew that I would never do anything and leave Lily without a mother, I just knew I needed something to change and needed more help and support. I had days of feeling so exhausted and alone that the idea of not being alive sounded like a good break for me. But it was always Lily that kept me going. I knew I would push myself further and further, with no limit, before I would ever give up and leave Lily without a Mom. She deserved a mom, she didn't make the decision to come into the world, I made the decision to bring her here, and I sure as shit wasn't about to bring her into the world and then leave her there without me.

I got put on medication, I got my own place, I worked so hard to find my peace, just so my daughter could have a happy and healthy mom. I worked my butt off, and still do to make sure she gets what she deserves from me. Some days I cry and I hate that she sees that, but most days I give her the best of me. We spend our days playing and cuddling and laughing. I work hard to build her up, and show her the best example of a strong and healthy woman. I am so happy to say that I worked so hard I was able to get off the medication and learned to focus on the things that make me happy, to build up walls against those that drain me or bring me down. I'm hoping that I went through my worst when she was young enough that she will never know that side of me. I put in the work when it mattered, and continue to put in the work.

Now, present day, I put a lot of the work in to my co-parenting relationship for Lily. I want her to only remember a good relationship between her parents, to see that I am ok with having a 'broken family', because it does still hurt me. It is still something I work hard on accepting and being happy with. I don't think anyone has a child with the intention of only getting them half of the time, because it feels unnatural to not spend every day with her. I struggle with missing out on big things in her life and with not knowing where she is or who she's with. I still remember the night someone showed me a video of Lily walking with her Dad before I had seen it. I had a full blown panic attack on my bathroom floor, in a ball crying until I crawled into bed. I have so many times of putting myself down for being the one to leave the family, like I made my bed so I deserve to lay in it now and miss these things. It takes a lot of work to pull myself out of these holes I dig myself in to. I know in my heart that I didn't break up Lily's family for fun, it was for the best and we are all happier for it, but I think I will always struggle with the time I gave up with her for it.

Just yesterday I had to try so hard to not let Lily see that my heart was hurting bringing her to her Dad's house. We had the best, most loving weekend, and then I had to wake up and end our time together by bringing her to her Dad's. I always encourage her time with her Dad to her, starting to hype her up the day before, telling her she gets to go to her Dad's the next day and they are so excited to see her. I let her call him any time she wants, I tell her that her Daddy will be so proud of her any time she does anything new. But dropping her off takes a chip off my heart every time. It takes physical effort to hide the wobble in my throat, the crack in my voice when I want to cry, to stop the tears from coming, to smile and hug her goodbye. I love her love for her Dad, and I miss her while she is gone, the two coincide and clash within me. There is a constant battle going on inside me, the happiness of seeing her get excited to see him, and the pain of leaving her. I think motherhood is dealing with this constant battle of putting your child's feelings before your own, fighting off my feelings to be there for her.

I read something a while ago that said "I know you would die for your child, but would you live for your child. Would you show up every day and put in the work for your child. Dying for them is easy, living for them takes work." I've never related to something more in my life. I know that I am meant to be a mom, and I hope that I have the opportunity to be the mom to more children than one, but for now I am doing everything in my power to make sure I am the best mom I can be to her. I reflect so much on the mom I am, and the one I want to be. I know what I want for Lily, and what I want to provide her with. I know the importance of my role in raising her to be a good, well-rounded human that has all the tools she needs to succeed and thrive in her lifetime. I do not take my role lightly, and love that I have been gifted the chance to be her mommy. I will take the double edged sword every day of her life just to be her mommy. I have already given up so much, taken so much, and pushed back to be good for her, and I'm not scared to continue sacrificing and learning to thrive in all ways for her. I love being her mommy, too much!!!

So cheers to the pain that comes with the most unbelievable love of being a parent. Cheers to creating a new life, and doing everything in your power to making it better than your own. Cheers to wanting more for your children, to putting this tiny human above yourself every day and night. Cheers to the times it feels like too much, but still showing up for them. Cheers to you parents, you deserve the world for giving your world to them.

xoxo T1D Mommy