Raising a Woman in a Man's World

Trigger Warning: Assualt/Abuse

A woman I know was recently physically assaulted, and if you have read my previous posts you know that I have some experience with this type of situation. It breaks my heart when I hear of people I know and care about going through this. There is no faster way to shake someone's whole existence than to show them that in reality they don't have full control over their own body. There are bad people out there, and there are people that can over power you, and some will should they choose. It is so hard to come to terms with the fact that you are not as strong or in control as you thought you were. It changes the way you handle situations, how you plan ahead for things and how you let those around you live (especially your children).

I know that I struggle a lot with men in particular. This is because I have experienced sexual harrassment, sexual abuse, physical assault and sexual assault, all by the hands of men (here's to hoping that was enough for my entire life and I can be done haha). It is the most terrifying moment when a man hits you, and your mind goes to finding an escape route . My physcial assault was curtosy of a partner. So my escape plan was not only for that moment, but for the future as well. It isn't something that you can understand without experiencing it, but it is one that I am happy to not have people understand when I open up about it. I hate hearing that others have went through these things and that they continue to live with the damage from them. It isn't something that you ever get over, and my PTSD from each incident is different. While each trauma has it's own effects on me, generally in public I am always aware of men in my surroundings and creating escape routes should a man decide he wants to hurt me that day. When I hear a man I don't know, my mind instantly goes to listening to the tone of his voice to see if I hear any slight hostility. I watch postures and look for any signs of irritability or anger in body language. I always have an escape route planned for any situation I am in now, and that takes a mental toll, takes time away from being present, creates anxiety when going to new places, or places that I know there is a man/men that I am not fully comfortable with. I can't walk down a street without looking over my shoulder. I don't listen to loud music in public because I want to be able to hear if there are footsteps close to me, and I ALWAYS lock my car doors the second I get in. Walking to my car in a parking lot, especially with Lily is something I take so seriously. I scan the parking lot, create my route, and always keep distance between myself and any men. If there is a man near my vehicle I never put my back to him, and ensure that if I have Lily, I have figured out how to get us both in the vehicle and lock it should they approach us. It may seem insane to some, but I have life long damage from my control over my body being taken from me, and this is how I feel safe now, or at least try to. I have been doing it so long it's not something you would ever notice if you are with me. Not everyone's struggles are noticeable.

My Physical Assualt Story

My partner and I were walking through a public space when he punched me in the stomach. We had been having a good day and were out on a walk. We were cutting through a building on the way home and he had made a joke at my expense (typically those being abused are not only being abused in one way) and I didn't like it. I hit him in the arm and he REALLY didn't like that. It was then I felt the pain hit my abdomen. I fell to the floor in a ball trying to catch my breath. So many thoughts at once. Why can I not breathe? Did that really just happen? Is he going to do it again? How do I prevent another while I am already down? I had learned from previous abuse from him that it was best to not make a big deal of it, try to move on from the situation as quickly as possible. So I quickly scanned the area we were in to see if anyone saw, of course no one did... I noticed some people in the distance and at that moment realized he can't do too much damage with people that close. He was able to sneak one punch in, but I didn't think he would be so lucky as to get many more in.

I felt him lean over me as he did when he used to get angry with me. Felt his warm breath whisper in my ear to get up. His hand tightening around my upper arm trying to pull me off the ground. He didn't want anyone approaching to notice me at his feet. I stood before I was able to catch my breath and tried to walk without looking him in the eye. His eyes were always the scariest part, the person I knew and loved left his body in these moments and I never recognized the man I was looking at. I will never forget being able to watch his eyes change, and knowing something bad was going to happen. His pupils would dilate, leaving almost no colour, just blackness. All emotion would leave his face and his whole body demeanor would change. I remember also being scared for him to see how much pain I was in that moment, I didn't want to make him angry with my pain... explain that one to me.

We got back to his house after a silent walk and I remember I tried to avoid being alone with him and went to sit with his roommates. This moment is one I will never forget - I was sitting on the counter, completely numb and trying to wrap my head around what happened. During the relationship I had endured different types of abuse, but when you are in the moment it is so easy to overlook them, to make excuses for the person you love. He had recently been getting more and more violent in small ways, and this one really shook me because it was done in a public place. There was no fear for him, he knew I would cover for him, he knew I would protect him, my abuser felt safe punching me in public... This was a huge sign to me that things would only get worse. So in that moment, bringing myself back into the room surrounded with people, I told everyone that he had just punched me. The room went silent. No one knew how to react. They didn't know the side of him that I did. They couldn't comprehend it being done to hurt me. I remember the expressions on their face, and the silence that chilled me even more than the actual abuse. It was then I realized that it was only myself that could stop it.

I told one of my best friends when the abuse first started a year or so before. We were laying in her bed after a night out and the tears started before the words. I told her what was happening to me and how I felt like a 'weak woman' for accepting it. I know now that was me looking for help to leave, but we dated for another few years after. I had tried to tell people I needed help over the years, but I don't know if they didn't believe me, or if they didn't want to get involved, or why they didn't feel the need to even talk about it with me. I know if I told my family they would have helped me, but I never wanted them to know. It hurt my heart to think of them taking on any of the pain I was feeling. I again was protecting everyone around me, and taking on the pain myself.

I think I stayed with him for another year or so after the punching incident. I don't think I was strong enough to leave yet, I needed to build up the courage. As awful as he could be at times, he was also someone I was so in love with. He was my safe space, and my scariest space. He shook me in ways that I will never forgive him for, but he also taught me so much about myself and society. He taught me a lot about how I want to raise my daughter as well. He opened my eyes to so much that I never want Lily to be so naïve to, like I was. It took much more abuse (mentally and physically) for me to tell someone that I knew would help me leave, and I'm so grateful I did because she helped me instantly. She became who I talked to about a lot of hard things in my life. She even came with me to the police station to press charges against a different man that had no respect for my body. She is there to be my strength when I need it (grateful for you xoxo).

I'm grateful for my support system everyday, and realize how important it is to have people you can count on close to you. It has grown since then, and there are people I have been ready to risk my life for because I know they would do the same for me. When you have someone in your life that would risk everything for you, hold on to them, hold tight.

In the recent years I have become someone that women feel comfortable telling about their abuse. I feel honoured to be their safe space. I know that it takes a lot to tell someone when your person is hurting you, mentally or physically, so I know that they are working up the strength to leave, or are ready to leave. I know that some need more patience than others as they aren't quite ready to leave yet, and I know others need more encouragement and love while they leave. It can be hard watching some go back to the man that abuses them, and I have had some bring distance between us when they do. This breaks my heart, but I can't make anyone ready to leave, they need to be ready, and when they are I hope they come back to me (or whoever they feel safe going to) and I can give them the love and support they deserve during a hard time.

I'm also so grateful I got to experience love after that person. I remember telling my next partner that my favourite thing about him was his gentle eyes. He never knew that I used to see the anger in my exe's eyes and that's why his gentle eyes meant so much to me, but he helped me heal from that relationship. He showed me unconconditional love and support. He used to drive me to therapy, and pick me up with timbits, ready to hear about my appointment or drive in silence, whatever I needed. He showed me that love can be so overwhelmingly good, and that it is something that I want in my life so badly. We aren't together today, but I'm grateful for the good time we had, and building me back up when I was at my lowest. For showing me you can argue with your partner and not fear for your safety, and listening to the word no. And of course giving me the greatest gift of my entire life, Lily.

And to all of the parents out there raising children right now, raise your children to respect other people. Teach the importance of the word no, to know right from wrong, and to speak up when they see/experience wrong. Raise them to not be afraid to ask for help. Raise them to know that you are on their team, to know that they have people that care and want to help. Raise them to defend themselves. And raise them to know that the people that hurt you, do not love you. Love should build you up, speak kindly of you, and respect you.

Lily, I will raise you to be strong and kind and not afraid to love, but to know what love is. I will raise you to know that not everyone is kind like you, and to be prepared for the day you encounter someone like that. Because unfortunately, there will come a day when you encounter some kind of evil, but I will be right behind you, ready to protect you, or heal you, or give you a safe space. Whatever you need, I am here love bug.

xoxo T1D Mommy