Quarter-Life Mommy Crisis??

I didn't understand how a woman wanted to be a stay at home mom, until I became a mom. I grew up with two parents that worked out of the home, and my mother pushed the importance of financial independence into us because that is what she felt best. I grew up thinking that a woman needed to have a successful career to be fulfilled, there was no other option. Wow was I ever wrong. There are so many ways to feel fulfilled in life, and no one way is the right way.

It was shortly after giving birth that I started to have these feelings of anxiety when the thought of leaving Lily with anyone else started, even her own father. I was so ashamed of myself because I was under the impression that these feelings were bad, that they were not normal. I had some tell me it was just my hormones being out of whack from birth, which made me feel even more crazy... There is nothing quite like someone telling you that your feelings are invalid in a round-a-bout way of blaming your hormones. Oh to be a woman...

It wasn't until I found this article about these feelings being nature's way of making sure someone is caring for your baby that I felt some reassurance. Finally, some feeling of support. It went on to explain that these feelings were natural because hundreds of years ago, if women didn't feel anxious to leave their baby and they had, they would have been left to die. If you really think about it, it makes sense. We need to feel this attachment to our baby, so we don't abandon them. Sometimes I think my anxiety may have been slightly excessive, but it made me a really good mom to Lily. I always, always wanted to spend my time with her. She made every experience better, even sitting on the toilet and chatting with her or having her join me in the shower. There is no personal time anymore, and if she wants to make me laugh while I am doing these things then I can't think of anything better.

I definitely struggled with the idea of going back to work while on maternity leave. I didn't want to have her spending more time with someone else, I wanted that time with her. And of course, the fear of something happening to her while in someone else's care was a huge concern. It was around eight months into maternity leave that I started to really panic about the thought of leaving her to go back to work. I started trying to think of how I could stay home with her and still make enough money to support us. Getting closer and closer to maternity leave ending, I decided working part time would be the best solution for the time being and I would see if that was manageable. Skip forward six months and I somehow ended up working full time in office and feeling comfortable with the idea of her going to a certain daycare that I felt safe leaving her at.

Now I find myself at this cross-road, unable to decide how to proceed. I felt like I was just getting into our new rhythm. We were finding our new normal. I worked my ass off to find a daycare I liked, I finally got Lily's Dad on the same page with the daycare and she started her integration. It was a three week integration plan and I was so excited for her. She was going to get to spend her days playing with other children her age, I was going to give my days to my career, and we both were going to go through so much growing. Now we have had this life-altering diagnosis enter the picture and de-rail everything.

Everything that I wanted, that I thought I wanted, has changed in the blink of an eye. What matters to me has changed. What upsets me, what brings me joy, everything, has changed.

I feel so much more passionate about my role in Lily's day-to-day care, which I didn't think was possible. I feel the NEED to be there to care for her. She no longer has just basic needs from a caregiver, she has medical needs that cannot be overlooked. She needs the best care, and I won't accept anything less.

I have been struggling with what to do with my career. What seemed like a clear path is no longer where I feel I should be heading. I have spent days, nights, weeks, thinking about how to make everything work out. I no longer have the option to care for Lily while working from home, and I respect my employer's decision as I also know that this was not a long-term solution. My job requires that I be in office, and my child requires I be home... how do I choose between myself and my child, there really is no choice is there?

I am at the point now where I need to figure out how to survive financially while putting myself on the back burner for a few years. My mind is exhausted from constantly trying to find a solution to this. How is one person going to take this on? Is it possible for me to do what I feel I NEED to do? I wish I wasn't taking this on alone, I wish that I had my person and they were there brain storming with me, trying to come up with how we can do this for Lily. I feel so overwhelmed and tired from doing life alone. I really hope that all of this struggle makes sense one day. I hope I can look back and remember how hard all of this was and be proud that I some how figured out how to make it work for us. I have to figure it out...

One day, I hope that life slows down for me. I hope that I am not always in a situation that is hard. I hope that true happiness is somewhere down the line for me. For now, I will continue to push through every obstacle and try to enjoy little bits of happiness with Lily. And when she is at her Dad's I can have my cry and pray that things get easier. I won't let her see me like this, time to put on the strong happy face for my babe, so she can live the happy life she deserves.

xoxo T1D Mommy

p.s. I want to add that I am not alone in the care for Lily. I have amazing support and her Father cares for her just as much as I do. This post is about my personal issues that do not involve anyone but myself. I am trying to navigate how this diagnosis affects ME and MY life, no one else is involved in this part of the process xoxo