Doing Sick Days Solo

Last week Lily came down with a cold, and fast. It took her out for a couple days and I stayed home from work to be with her. I remember doing sick days with her as a single parent before her diagnosis, and I remember them feeling like they were the most exhausting thing I could possibly go through. It was just me up all night with her, just me getting up in the morning, and just me caring for her all day. It was the most tiring cycle. I remember being excited for her to go to her Dad's during those times so I could just get a little sleep, a break. Well now we have diabetes to throw in to that.

I struggle a lot with being the 'worse' household for controlling her diabetes. I feel like I try so hard, but I can't seem to get a grip on it like others can. So when she got sick and I had to allow myself to let go of her being in range as much as possible just to focus on her getting enough liquids and being comfortable enough to sleep, it felt like such a huge failure. I am harder on myself than any one else could ever be, and I know that I think that others are thinking these things of me when a lot of the time they aren't, but I just wish I could do it all. I wish that I was able to handle a sick diabetic toddler better on my own. I wish that I could run off a few hours sleep and still be on the ball all day. I wish that I didn't feel like I was just trying to keep everyone alive during tough times, but the truth is sometimes I am just trying to keep everyone alive.

I know that in households with two parents it can be easier to handle these times. I know the parents can take turns and do shifts in the night. I know that one can be caring for her sickness while the other one cares for her medical needs. I know that I have none of that, but I still think that I should be able to produce the same results as a two parent household. Sometimes my best efforts don't feel like enough to me.

I want to find a healthy balance for myself. I want to figure this out. I will figure it out.

I follow a bunch of T1D Mom pages on all social media platforms, and some of them have given me the best tips and tricks. I remember just last week seeing 'sick bins' on a page and looking on amazon for some bins to order to get ready for a sickness. Unfortunately a cold was delivered before my supplies. Isn't that just a kick in the stomach. As much as I can try to be prepared and plan ahead, life doesn't always work that way... Anyways this mom had these bins that had all the essentials in them for a sick child with diabetes. She had soups, different kinds of liquids to try to hydrate them, different medications for different sicknesses, as well as some variations of low treatment foods for the times that your child refuses foods/can't hold anything down. I loved this idea so much that I was going to create one. I still am going to create one, it will just be ready for next time I guess...

A cold can be a lot more dangerous for a child with diabetes and I want you to remember that as you just read over the last paragraph and probably thought I was being an overbearing mother and doing the unnecessary. If Lily gets dehydrated she can develop ketones. Danger. If she can't hold anything down she can go hypoglycemic. Danger. I have found that her levels spike during sickness, and if she has body aches the pain can increase her levels too. If she go hyperglycemic she develops ketones. Again, danger. It can be a lot of stress on the parents if they aren't properly prepared (aka me). So lets add that on top of having a sick crying child attached to your body 24/7 for days at a time, ya it doesn't sound pleasant does it?

I know that if I was talking to another single parent I would not tell them that they should be expecting the same results as a two parent household, but I continue to tell myself that. I know that I am smart, hard-working and driven to be better, so I know that I can do this. I will make the sick bins, I will write out a plan in them, I will be more prepared next time. Her levels may not be perfect, but they will be better. I will do better. That's all I can try for. Perfection is not something that I strive for, but better is. Lily deserves better than I gave her last week.

I wish that we could go back to the sick days without diabetes, the ones I used to complain about so much. I had no idea how much harder they would be a year later. I didn't have so many added tasks and stresses, but at the time I thought it couldn't get any worse. Naïve me.. But you know what. She has yet to be hospitalized during those times, so I will take that as a win for now and just try to be more equipped to handle the diabetic side so that it seems like the old days. If I can have it so I have options and I am ready for different scenarios then it will take away some of that stress. I can focus on my sick baby, and not focus on my sick diabetic baby.

As much as it goes against every bone in my body, I will become an organizer and a planner. I need to so I can stop beating myself up two times a week for not doing 'good enough'. Life is just such a ride aha I feel like sometimes all I can do is laugh. So if you ask me how I am and I start laughing, just accept that as an answer.

xoxo T1D Mommy