Celebrating Two, Just Us Two

What a weird rollercoaster motherhood can be. My daughter turned two and somehow I felt every single emotion possible on that day. I thought that I had it under control this year, but the day of really got the best of me. It was a buckle up and keep your arms inside the ride at all times kind of day. It started off with such optimism. I set an alarm to wake up and shower and start decorating right away (she was waking up and spending the first half of the day with her dad, so I figured I could leave decorating until the day of and that would keep me busy). Everything started off as planned, and que the first bump on the road. Being told someone special wouldn't be joining us as planned.

Now I could blame the fact that I missed a day in my happy pills for how much this threw me off the rails, or I could blame the emotions of not having my daughter on the morning of her birthday, or it could have just been that too familiar sting of feeling let down. Nonetheless it hit me hard and really threw me off course. I am thankful I had time to recoup before I got Lily.

Then comes the idle time... I didn't expect to be alone that day, I have no idea why but I just assumed I would have company that day. Help to set up, help to run the last minute errands, help to plan, but why? Why would this day be any different for anyone else? Why did I think that people would know I wouldn't want to be alone? Especially when I specifically told my family I wanted solo time with Lily that day. But for some bizarre reason, I assumed everyone would know that meant to keep me company while I didn't have her, and then bugger off while I did... maybe I will blame the missed pill.

I blew up all my balloons, decorated her high chair, hung up the banners, all in what seemed like 20 minutes... now what? Definitely anything but sit here and think about how I am alone on my daughter's birthday... ok time to run into town I guess... during a winter storm. Writing this out I am laughing, how I think, or sometimes don't think at all, amazes me. Anyways, I called around and to my lack of surprise no one wanted to run errands with me on a day people are avoiding being on the roads, party poopers. So into town I go. I buy every decoration that I didn't need (which I end up using approx 1/5 of them), and again find myself thinking about how fast that was and how much more time I need to waste before I get her. Well crap. Alright I guess I will run some personal errands... all to avoid dealing with my emotions.

By the time I got Lily I had managed to avoid any real flare ups of emotion. I got to her Dad's to pick her up and we were so excited to see each other. She wanted to show me the toys that she got, but also kind of wanted to stay at her Dad's and play with them... ok push the guilt of having a broken family down... I got her into the car and then the guilt of not wishing her a happy birthday right away starting coming up... this is seriously getting pathetic now.

We played inside, played outside, went to pet the horses, walk to the barns, chatting and laughing the whole time. Finally, the happy emotions that I was craving all day. The wanting to cry because I was so happy, laughing so hard at the little class clown toddler Lily is becoming, and feeling grateful for our life just the way it is, those emotions are all so welcome and craved.

We got back and I started dinner and I had a weird game of tug-of-war happening during dinner. I was upset that it was just her and I, but at the same time I was so happy that it was just us two. It has been me and her against the world for the past 1.5 years, and life has been so busy lately that I think I needed that moment of just us to remember that is all I really need. I'm ok not having that picture perfect family everyone thinks they will have. I'm ok that some times things are harder than they would have been had our little family been together. I work so hard and go through so much so that these moments can happen. She was so happy, not a worry in the world, eating pancakes with her mom. My heart felt warm and nothing else mattered. I gave her the best of myself in that moment, the happy, not worried, not tired and dehydrated mom that she loves so much. I let her feed me pancakes and let her help me drink her juice.

She was caring for me, because she loves me.

We spent the rest of the night with family, opening gifts and playing with her new toys. She ran around with her cousins, and fought with them occasionally of course. We dimmed the lights and sang to her, she was so happy to be surrounded by family, you could see the love beaming from her. As I walked around the corner with the candles lit on her tray of cupcakes, she lit up and screamed Mommy as if she hadn't just spent the afternoon with me. She yelled it over and over jumping and I remember feeling so adored by the one that I adore, so grateful to feel that amount of love from someone that I feel that way about. I wanted to celebrate her and shower her in love and she was doing it back to me the whole time. How lucky am I...

We enjoyed the rest of the evening and by the time everyone left it was way past bedtime and you couldn't tell from how happy Lily was. Her levels were dropping from the insulin I had given her for the cupcake, so I needed to give her something to stop them from going low, and I figured she could use something with protein so that it holds a solid level throughout the night. I went to get her milk and she followed me to the kitchen. I realized that I wasn't ready to rush through bedtime and end her birthday while she was grabbing at me. I didn't want this perfect evening to end yet.

So I sat in the middle of the kitchen floor and told her to sit with me. She happily did and drank her milk on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her and smelt the detangler I had sprayed in her hair earlier. I soaked it in, breathing her in and rocking her. I know that will be a memory I live with forever. As a parent I catch myself stopping time momentarily to really embrace how special some moments are. It seems like nothing looking from the outside, but I was holding my now two year old, embedding her smell into my brain, feeling her weight on my lap, and enjoying her for everything that she is. I am so blessed to be her Mom, I have never, and will never take that privilege for granted.

I know that as each year passes I will feel a mix of emotions, sadness that my baby is growing up, but excitement for her to experience new things and create the beautiful life that she deserves. I am looking forward to spending them with her, hopefully making her feel as special as she makes me feel. So cheers to the most loving, beautiful, funny, and unpredictable two year old. I love you with my whole heart.

xoxo T1D Mommy